I mean, really, baby steps. I had an exam, and I'm also taking another summer class leading up to September.
It's unreal how difficult it is to socialize. You know that feeling when you just freeze up, and you know you won't be able to say what you were going to say? Yeah. Oh well, no one said this was going to be easy. If it was, everyone would be doing it.
I went to a local, little pub for a single drink tonight. It was pretty much empty, but even that little trip was required to re-familiarize me with a pub environment. How long has it been since I was at a bar of any kind, anyway?
I'm going to focus on talking to the girls at my class, too. When September comes around, I will join another club at university. As for things to do before that - I will figure it out.
sunnuntai 28. heinäkuuta 2013
I think it happens to most men sooner or later.
You wake up one day, and you realize your life absolutely sucks. I woke up at 23 years old myself, still a miserable virgin. I enrolled in university back in 2010, and all my mental health issues seemed to peak that fall, supposedly induced by stress and tremendous, constant worrying. Back then, I had no way to deal with all the poisonous feelings that seemed to be eating me up on the inside. While I have since matured enough not to hold any grudges against anybody (or, so I keep telling myself), I've come to the conclusion that it was all the severe bullying I experienced in junior high that caused me to become afraid of other people and their judgement. As a result, I quickly became a bit of a recluse. I was living in the countryside at the time, too, so it was a logistical struggle to meet friends after school to begin with. Word went around that I was into video games, and I quickly earned many derogatory nicknames. I had a bunch of close friends all the way through high school, but even they spent most of their time with other people, since most days I obviously did nothing after school anyway.
Even high school went by in a bit of a haze. In junior high, I was addicted to a game called RuneScape, and World of Warcraft eventually took its place. And, well, that's all you need to know, really. I lost my teenage years to video games, and my social skills didn't have a chance develop in a natural way. As for women - what women? I was told I was an ugly piece of shit so many times that eventually I simply stopped questioning those words. Why would anyone be interested in me, right?
Fast-forward to the summer of 2013. I've kicked anti-depressants for good, hopefully, although I still rely on beta blockers to help me not blush and to calm me down in social situations. I have had numerous ups and downs along the way, and I finally feel ready. I was first introduced to the art of pickup about a year and a half ago. Not too surprisingly, however, I crashed and burned without doing much of anything. I wasn't ready to put myself out there, there was absolutely no way at the time.
Things have changed since then. I have adopted a much healthier mindset, I've taken up mediation, and I don't listen to my feelings as much as I used to. I am not my thoughts. In fact, FUCK my thoughts most of the time. I used to stay in bed in the morning, wondering why I felt like shit all the time. Not anymore - these days, I get up and evaluate and reflect on the events of the day in the evening, as I'm going to bed.
I've been listening to immense amounts of audio by Owen/Tyler from RealSocialDynamics, and more often than not, Owen still manages to give me the chills. He truly knows how to talk to the young and wounded, pissed-off white man.
I won't go into a whole lot of detail yet. When I have more time, I hope to be able to write a few words about the many, many epiphanies I've had on my journey of healing, recovery and self-improvement. While things like Buddhist philosophy and meditation have done wonders for my mental health, I have neglected my sex life. I got a new haircut recently, and I've been lifting for a year now. I walked by a mirror two weeks ago, and I was both stunned and depressed - I look FINE as hell. It's a joke and a travesty that I'm not pleasuring women right now, I have SO much value to give.
I'm a virgin. I have never even kissed a woman, it's been a real phobia. I have no idea how fast I will progress, but I PROMISE YOU I will go out day after day, even after I get my ass kicked every time. This time, it's for real. This time, I have people holding me accountable. At 23, I don't give a fuck anymore. It's time to live my motherfucking life before I roll over and die. Godspeed.
JOIN ME. -BoomBot