sunnuntai 28. heinäkuuta 2013

Introduction to the Spaghetti Diaries


I think it happens to most men sooner or later.

You wake up one day, and you realize your life absolutely sucks. I woke up at 23 years old myself, still a miserable virgin. I enrolled in university back in 2010, and all my mental health issues seemed to peak that fall, supposedly induced by stress and tremendous, constant worrying. Back then, I had no way to deal with all the poisonous feelings that seemed to be eating me up on the inside. While I have since matured enough not to hold any grudges against anybody (or, so I keep telling myself), I've come to the conclusion that it was all the severe bullying I experienced in junior high that caused me to become afraid of other people and their judgement. As a result, I quickly became a bit of a recluse. I was living in the countryside at the time, too, so it was a logistical struggle to meet friends after school to begin with. Word went around that I was into video games, and I quickly earned many derogatory nicknames. I had a bunch of close friends all the way through high school, but even they spent most of their time with other people, since most days I obviously did nothing after school anyway. 

Even high school went by in a bit of a haze. In junior high, I was addicted to a game called RuneScape, and World of Warcraft eventually took its place. And, well, that's all you need to know, really. I lost my teenage years to video games, and my social skills didn't have a chance develop in a natural way. As for women - what women? I was told I was an ugly piece of shit so many times that eventually I simply stopped questioning those words. Why would anyone be interested in me, right?

Fast-forward to the summer of 2013. I've kicked anti-depressants for good, hopefully, although I still rely on beta blockers to help me not blush and to calm me down in social situations. I have had numerous ups and downs along the way, and I finally feel ready. I was first introduced to the art of pickup about a year and a half ago. Not too surprisingly, however, I crashed and burned without doing much of anything. I wasn't ready to put myself out there, there was absolutely no way at the time.

Things have changed since then. I have adopted a much healthier mindset, I've taken up mediation, and I don't listen to my feelings as much as I used to. I am not my thoughts. In fact, FUCK my thoughts most of the time. I used to stay in bed in the morning, wondering why I felt like shit all the time. Not anymore - these days, I get up and evaluate and reflect on the events of the day in the evening, as I'm going to bed. 

I've been listening to immense amounts of audio by Owen/Tyler from RealSocialDynamics, and more often than not, Owen still manages to give me the chills. He truly knows how to talk to the young and wounded, pissed-off white man. 

I won't go into a whole lot of detail yet. When I have more time, I hope to be able to write a few words about the many, many epiphanies I've had on my journey of healing, recovery and self-improvement. While things like Buddhist philosophy and meditation have done wonders for my mental health, I have neglected my sex life. I got a new haircut recently, and I've been lifting for a year now. I walked by a mirror two weeks ago, and I was both stunned and depressed - I look FINE as hell. It's a joke and a travesty that I'm not pleasuring women right now, I have SO much value to give. 

I'm a virgin. I have never even kissed a woman, it's been a real phobia. I have no idea how fast I will progress, but I PROMISE YOU I will go out day after day, even after I get my ass kicked every time. This time, it's for real. This time, I have people holding me accountable. At 23, I don't give a fuck anymore. It's time to live my motherfucking life before I roll over and die. Godspeed. 

JOIN ME. -BoomBot